Pope Leo XIV Elected and the Vatican Just Got a Bit More Chicago
May 9, 2025. Contact us at crazecrest@gmail.com
The world blinked as the new pope 2025 was announced to be Robert Francis Prevost, leaving people everywhere frantically Googling how old is the new pope and whispering “what does the Pope do” while trying to remember if white smoke means yes, no, or emergency chimney maintenance.
Chicago Cardinal Becomes Pope—and Twitter Loses Its Mind
In a move that surprised both bookmakers and bishops, Cardinal Robert Francis Prevost of Chicago was chosen as the 267th pontiff and will be known as Pope Leo XIV. It’s the first time in nearly 50 years that an American has taken the top job, and the first time in history that Chicago-style diplomacy—equal parts compassion and “don’t test me”—has entered the Vatican at full steam.
Prevost reportedly looked stunned when the votes were tallied. According to one cardinal, Leo’s first words after his election were a mix of humility and disbelief: “Wait, seriously?” Another cardinal nodded, confirming, “Yeah, bro, it’s real.”
A Pope from the People (Who Also Wears Gucci Slippers)
At 69 years old, Pope Leo XIV walks the line between youthful reformer and seasoned church elder, a man fluent in Spanish, English, Italian, and, reportedly, Midwestern politeness. Before his papal promotion, he led the Dicastery for Bishops—basically HR for priests—and was known for his efforts to increase transparency, weed out corruption, and drink espresso like it’s a competitive sport.
Chicagoans are already claiming him like he’s a deep-dish pizza. “We raised a pope!” one South Side resident shouted on local news. “We gave the world Obama and Leo. Who’s next—Cardinal Kanye?”
What Does the Pope Actually Do, Though?
The Pope is, essentially, the CEO of the Catholic Church, spiritual leader of 1.3 billion Catholics, and unofficial Instagram icon once the memes start rolling. Duties include appointing bishops, writing encyclicals, managing global Church crises, and occasionally calming Vatican pigeons that get too close to the balcony.
Pope Leo XIV will also inherit a laundry list of to-dos: addressing dwindling church attendance, navigating tensions between progressive and conservative factions, and not fainting in the Rome summer heat while dressed like a very kind wedding cake.
The World Reacts: Praise, Panic, and Papal Merch
The announcement sparked reactions across the globe. In the U.S., Catholics expressed cautious optimism. “He’s from Chicago, so he knows how to handle drama,” said one church volunteer. “If he can deal with city council meetings, he can handle Vatican politics.”
Social media, meanwhile, went into full meme mode. A side-by-side of Pope Leo XIV and the Leo zodiac sign trended for three hours. Another user posted, “I can’t wait for the Pope’s first homily to begin with, ‘Sooo I just got promoted.’”
In Latin America, where Prevost spent years as a missionary, many praised his cultural fluency and deep connection to the people. “He’s not just a figurehead,” one Peruvian parishioner told local media. “He remembers names, listens to stories, and knows how to salsa.”
What’s Next for the Vatican?
Insiders suggest that Pope Leo XIV will prioritize cleaning house and elevating new bishops with stronger pastoral backgrounds. Others expect him to make digital engagement a priority—possibly launching a TikTok called “Holy Takes” or finally revamping the Vatican’s 2001-era website interface.
Still, don’t expect sweeping reforms overnight. Vatican bureaucracy moves at the speed of incense, and the Pope—no matter how American—still operates within centuries of tradition. “He’s going to change things,” said one cardinal, “but slowly, like turning a ship with a hymnal.”
Final Benediction
Whether you’re Catholic, curious, or just here for the fashion, the election of Pope Leo XIV marks a new era. He’s global, grounded, and just Midwestern enough to smile kindly while quietly fixing the entire system. The world will be watching, praying, and yes—memeing.
Contact us at crazecrest@gmail.com
