Pope Francis Died at 88, Trump Showed Up, and the Internet Lost Its Mind Over J.D. Vance
April 27, 2025. Contact us at crazecrest@gmail.com
Catholics mourn Pope Francis’ death with incense, headlines, and a side of conspiracy theories after Pope Francis died at 88; the chaos only deepened when Pope Francis died a day after meeting with J.D. Vance and, in a twist no one asked for, Donald Trump attended Pope Francis' funeral.
God’s Work, But Make It Political Theater
Pope Francis, known for shaking up the papacy like your grandma’s snow globe after wine, reportedly passed just one day after having a quiet sit-down with Ohio Senator and former tech-writer-turned-Christian-nationalist-thought-piece J.D. Vance. Naturally, Twitter exploded into full Vatican Da Vinci Code mode. Did J.D. bore the Pope to death with startup metaphors? Did he read Hillbilly Elegy aloud and Francis realized humanity had peaked with the Gutenberg Bible?
The Vatican, for its part, announced the conclave date to elect a new pope with the energy of a company that just lost its CEO and discovered the intern knows how to work Excel. You could almost hear the whisper: “Okay but let’s not get another progressive who tweets in emojis.”
When Trump Crashes the Funeral
And in the least predictable yet somehow most inevitable act of 2025, Donald Trump attended Pope Francis' funeral like a man who thinks ‘papal’ is a cocktail garnish. Clad in a suit that screamed ‘mob trial meets church bake sale,’ Trump claimed he and Francis were close. “He said I was like a prophet,” Trump told reporters while misquoting Corinthians and waving a copy of the Art of the Deal wrapped in rosary beads.
Never mind that their last real interaction involved Trump awkwardly gifting the Pope a climate-denial book. But now he’s here, seated like an orange punctuation mark in a sea of solemnity, next to Hungarian ultra-nationalists and at least one guy wearing aviators indoors “for the vibes.”
Local Catholics React, Realistically and Religiously
Back in Chicago, local Catholics expressed a mixture of grief and whiplash. “I just hope the next Pope can TikTok,” said Maria Alvarez, a 19-year-old Catholic college student who learned about the death through a meme page that replaced Jesus with SpongeBob. Meanwhile, her grandmother wept over candlelight and insisted that Francis’ final act was “not dying but forgiving.”
Another parishioner, visibly irritated, told a local reporter, “First J.D. Vance, then Trump. If Marjorie Taylor Greene had shown up in a veil, I would’ve considered converting to Methodism.”
The Great Conclave Showdown Begins
With the papal throne vacant and the white smoke stash freshly restocked, Vatican insiders are already buzzing about potential successors. Bookies are taking odds. No, seriously—Las Vegas has entered the chat. Current front-runner? A Ghanaian cardinal known for his humility and refusal to learn TikTok dances. Dark horse? A French bishop with three PhDs and a decent stand-up set about the Ten Commandments.
The vibe in Rome is tense. Cardinals are flying in, alliances are being formed, and someone is almost definitely quoting Succession behind closed doors. “You are not serious people,” someone probably hissed at a group of selfie-taking bishops.
The J.D. Vance Conspiracy Hour (Starring Reddit)
And yes, the internet has already turned this into a full-blown conspiracy docuseries. "Pope Francis Died a Day After Meeting With J.D. Vance" is now the top trending thread on ConspiraTalk, right above “Taylor Swift is secretly the 13th apostle.” One user claims Vance touched the Pope’s shoulder, and his soul left instantly. Another swears the Pope whispered “Vance is mid” before exhaling his last breath.
We may never know the truth. But what we do know is that if you want to go viral, schedule brunch with a controversial senator, dramatically expire the next day, and let the internet do its thing.
What Comes Next, Besides the Netflix Doc
There’s already a bidding war for the rights to The Last Pope—a limited series that pairs Francis’ legacy with a dark satire of American politics using only Gregorian chants and dry Sicilian humor. Sources claim John Oliver has already written 13 minutes of stand-up titled “The Pope Who Met Vance and Gave Up.”
Meanwhile, several prominent Catholics are quietly praying the next Pope doesn’t have a Twitter account, an opinion on Bitcoin, or a Spotify playlist labeled “Sunday Sermon Bops.”
Closing Thoughts from a Not-So-Holy Peanut Gallery
Was it divine timing, political chaos, or just the world collapsing in weird concentric circles like a theological TikTok spiral? All we know is that when Pope Francis died at 88, even God probably muttered, “Wait, Vance did what?”
Rest in peace, Francis. You gave the Church memes, mercy, and migraines in equal measure. May the next Pope carry the torch—and maybe block J.D. Vance’s number.
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